Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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