Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
