I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
