I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
