I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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