my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
