I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
