I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
