dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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