The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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