Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
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