I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
We need to rekindle our bromance
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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