Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
