He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
