I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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