How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
we made out on top of his cat.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
