I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
