I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I will die if light touches me.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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