I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
