please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
