i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
