Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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