i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
