Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
