end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
