My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
