idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
