The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
