"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I am available for nakedness
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