I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
