well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
