Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
