If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
