It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
