I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
pop tarts are not kleenex
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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