You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
