this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The Olympian is in my bed
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
