I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
