I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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