I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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