If i could tip my vagina, i would.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
