Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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