I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
