grandma shit on top of the toilet
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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