I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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