just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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