I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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