seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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