well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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