I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
