if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
