I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
