I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
