"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
