You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
i now understand why vodka
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
