Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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